Let’s define the following:
Loneliness: the state of being alone in solitary isolation; sadness resulting from being forsaken or abandoned
Abandonment: deserting; forsaking; giving up; letting go; the act of giving something up
Rejection: refusal; denial; act of rejecting; state of being rejected; the act of rejecting something
* I’m going to try and keep this summed up as best as I can*
Thinking about my root issues and reflecting over my life, where do I believe my loneliness was birthed?
I have no doubt my loneliness took root in the beginning of my childhood. My mom left me in a shelter at the age of two. I was abandoned and neglected. I believe the abandonment and neglect was followed by a generational curse, I now declare broken over my life in the name of Jesus. My mother’s biological mother passed away during her adolescent years. It was shared that my mother’s biological father expressed he was not in the position to care for my mother and her siblings. They were then placed in the foster care system. So, here she faced a similar situation in her youth, I faced in my growing stages as a youth as well. How she would react to this circumstance was left up to her. The route she chose would affect my life in ways that would eventually manifest or be hidden for so called protection.
I was blessed with the opportunity to be parented by the same couple, in which raised my mother and aunts. I was placed in the foster care system from the age of two until the age of twelve. As the time ticked and the days rolled, I still had this yearning in my being to just be with my mom. I love my foster parents (grandparents) and I am forever indebted to them for so many reasons. One, when my siblings and I were brought to them, the couple had already retired from foster care. But God, established them to have a change of heart and they responded with obedience. They were both able to live and see pass ninety years.
There were times she visited me and I never wanted the visits to cease. During moments of spending the weekend with her, I would sincerely ask her, “When will I be able to move with you?” And, she would always respond, “Soon, I am working on it baby, OK!” From the very first time she replied this to me, I locked those very words in my heart. I turned them into a wish I looked forward to seeing come to pass. I’ve always had a love for her, in my own words say, a love that is unconditional. Despite the neglect and abandonment, I still ached for her love. In the midst of me throwing temper tantrums at my grandmother, yelling, “I want my mommy! Or, I can’t wait till’ I move with my mommy!” She would respond, “If she wanted you, you wouldn’t be here.” Those words along with many others that were spoken over my life at times by her and family members, silently shattered my heart. Yes, every word spoken to me crushed me at that exact moment. As my emotions from the various bickering faded, so did the pain from the words delivered to me, so I thought. In the face of being rejected, looking forward to spending time with my mom as she stood me up, I still longed for her. Defending the fact that years were passing as I anxiously waited, nobody could tell me she didn’t love or want me and I deemed as true. I loved her, I desired her, and I never stop believing in the wish I made of returning to her.
I was re-introduced to my father when I was about six or seven years old. My caseworker at the time would fly my sister and I to Indiana for spring, summer, and winter breaks. If my sister didn’t go, I would either travel alone, or with the caseworker. He visited me once while I was in foster care. It’s funny, because as I’m writing this, I feel as though they were setting me up to see if I would actually consider moving to Indiana with him. I remember my father constantly asking me over the phone as well as during visits, how I felt about moving with him in Indiana, I always replied either, "no" or "I don’t know." The way I felt around and about him was totally different from how I felt towards my mother during this period in my life. I could not picture being away from my mother those many miles apart. I was still holding on to that wish and that’s what kept me from responding with a "yes!" to my caseworker and father. I don’t even recall me considering to relocate in my young mind.
I’m quite sure, during this growing time of living out these moments, my issues begin festering into behavioral problems without me fully understanding what was actually taking place. The enemy had a plan to use this circumstance, these words, and how I dealt with it against me, to kill me, before I could surrender fully to Jesus Christ. As we dig deeper in my heart, just know, I was granted the opportunity to move with her for good. She kept her promise and I was and still am grateful.
TO BE CONTINUED………
Loneliness: the state of being alone in solitary isolation; sadness resulting from being forsaken or abandoned
Abandonment: deserting; forsaking; giving up; letting go; the act of giving something up
Rejection: refusal; denial; act of rejecting; state of being rejected; the act of rejecting something
* I’m going to try and keep this summed up as best as I can*
Thinking about my root issues and reflecting over my life, where do I believe my loneliness was birthed?
I have no doubt my loneliness took root in the beginning of my childhood. My mom left me in a shelter at the age of two. I was abandoned and neglected. I believe the abandonment and neglect was followed by a generational curse, I now declare broken over my life in the name of Jesus. My mother’s biological mother passed away during her adolescent years. It was shared that my mother’s biological father expressed he was not in the position to care for my mother and her siblings. They were then placed in the foster care system. So, here she faced a similar situation in her youth, I faced in my growing stages as a youth as well. How she would react to this circumstance was left up to her. The route she chose would affect my life in ways that would eventually manifest or be hidden for so called protection.
I was blessed with the opportunity to be parented by the same couple, in which raised my mother and aunts. I was placed in the foster care system from the age of two until the age of twelve. As the time ticked and the days rolled, I still had this yearning in my being to just be with my mom. I love my foster parents (grandparents) and I am forever indebted to them for so many reasons. One, when my siblings and I were brought to them, the couple had already retired from foster care. But God, established them to have a change of heart and they responded with obedience. They were both able to live and see pass ninety years.
There were times she visited me and I never wanted the visits to cease. During moments of spending the weekend with her, I would sincerely ask her, “When will I be able to move with you?” And, she would always respond, “Soon, I am working on it baby, OK!” From the very first time she replied this to me, I locked those very words in my heart. I turned them into a wish I looked forward to seeing come to pass. I’ve always had a love for her, in my own words say, a love that is unconditional. Despite the neglect and abandonment, I still ached for her love. In the midst of me throwing temper tantrums at my grandmother, yelling, “I want my mommy! Or, I can’t wait till’ I move with my mommy!” She would respond, “If she wanted you, you wouldn’t be here.” Those words along with many others that were spoken over my life at times by her and family members, silently shattered my heart. Yes, every word spoken to me crushed me at that exact moment. As my emotions from the various bickering faded, so did the pain from the words delivered to me, so I thought. In the face of being rejected, looking forward to spending time with my mom as she stood me up, I still longed for her. Defending the fact that years were passing as I anxiously waited, nobody could tell me she didn’t love or want me and I deemed as true. I loved her, I desired her, and I never stop believing in the wish I made of returning to her.
I was re-introduced to my father when I was about six or seven years old. My caseworker at the time would fly my sister and I to Indiana for spring, summer, and winter breaks. If my sister didn’t go, I would either travel alone, or with the caseworker. He visited me once while I was in foster care. It’s funny, because as I’m writing this, I feel as though they were setting me up to see if I would actually consider moving to Indiana with him. I remember my father constantly asking me over the phone as well as during visits, how I felt about moving with him in Indiana, I always replied either, "no" or "I don’t know." The way I felt around and about him was totally different from how I felt towards my mother during this period in my life. I could not picture being away from my mother those many miles apart. I was still holding on to that wish and that’s what kept me from responding with a "yes!" to my caseworker and father. I don’t even recall me considering to relocate in my young mind.
I’m quite sure, during this growing time of living out these moments, my issues begin festering into behavioral problems without me fully understanding what was actually taking place. The enemy had a plan to use this circumstance, these words, and how I dealt with it against me, to kill me, before I could surrender fully to Jesus Christ. As we dig deeper in my heart, just know, I was granted the opportunity to move with her for good. She kept her promise and I was and still am grateful.
TO BE CONTINUED………