In ultimate reality, I was commiting spiritual suicide. I was yearning for a love from a human nature that would and will never meet the expectation required. As my mother and I began to argue more, I would lash out verbal attacks towards her. I would throw darts her way of past actions of abandonment by her. My sister Sharonda, would get on me constantly, advising me to stop doing such. There was an open wound that needed to be tended to carefully so it would heal properly. Instead, it remained opened causing a spiritual infection only God could cure. I was trying to reach a place in her heart to understand how I was feeling. I was refreshing the guilt she already felt without being aware of my actions. This is what the enemy does. He uses us against each other to minimize us from edifying one another. Anger is a poisonous, yet dangerous disease. Anger kills! It kills physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
Not only did I feel she rejected me, I begin to feel the abandonment each time she would disappear for a day or two, without knowing her whereabouts. My mother faced a lot of incidents, some she actually shared with me. She was not excluded from near death experiences. So, when those moments happened, I became frightened. I found myself crying on the floor as I beat it with my fist as hard as I could. I was just crying out, praying for her safe return home. Fighting the thoughts of her still leaving me was a battle I still seem to wrestle with. Did I ever get use to it? No, I never did! I just learned how to cope with it.
After my ninth grade year our relationship was really shaky. If I wasn't isolated writing poetry or rapping to a beat, I surrounded myself with peers to take me away from my hurt. I was still a virgin at this time, so no, I wasn't sexually active. My attitude became worse. My mother even threatened to send me to boot camp, I was not that terrible. I was not going to no boot camp (laughing), but my mother was serious about getting me correct. What was the next option? Well, well. well! It was to head to Indiana to move with my father and family. The moment I chose to move to Indiana was the split second I became a runner. I lasted six months in Indiana and I ran speedily back to my mother arms (lol). I will talk about this experience another time.
My whole time in high school, I was in the marching band. I recall my mother attending several of my parades and I am thankful. I played softball and would ask her evey time we had a home game to come and support me and she never did. The school was walking distance so in my heart I felt this wasn't a complicated thing to ask. She always told me she was tired. My senior year I played basketball and she attended my first home game and that was it. I wanted her to be apart of my life more than she realized. I wanted the support from her in activities I participated in. I wanted to look out in the crowd and see her smiling at me, encouraging me to do my best. Her absence began to strangle me. I put a lot of expectation in her, and I saw no fault in that. I just had a hope that never ended for us.
To Be Continued......
Not only did I feel she rejected me, I begin to feel the abandonment each time she would disappear for a day or two, without knowing her whereabouts. My mother faced a lot of incidents, some she actually shared with me. She was not excluded from near death experiences. So, when those moments happened, I became frightened. I found myself crying on the floor as I beat it with my fist as hard as I could. I was just crying out, praying for her safe return home. Fighting the thoughts of her still leaving me was a battle I still seem to wrestle with. Did I ever get use to it? No, I never did! I just learned how to cope with it.
After my ninth grade year our relationship was really shaky. If I wasn't isolated writing poetry or rapping to a beat, I surrounded myself with peers to take me away from my hurt. I was still a virgin at this time, so no, I wasn't sexually active. My attitude became worse. My mother even threatened to send me to boot camp, I was not that terrible. I was not going to no boot camp (laughing), but my mother was serious about getting me correct. What was the next option? Well, well. well! It was to head to Indiana to move with my father and family. The moment I chose to move to Indiana was the split second I became a runner. I lasted six months in Indiana and I ran speedily back to my mother arms (lol). I will talk about this experience another time.
My whole time in high school, I was in the marching band. I recall my mother attending several of my parades and I am thankful. I played softball and would ask her evey time we had a home game to come and support me and she never did. The school was walking distance so in my heart I felt this wasn't a complicated thing to ask. She always told me she was tired. My senior year I played basketball and she attended my first home game and that was it. I wanted her to be apart of my life more than she realized. I wanted the support from her in activities I participated in. I wanted to look out in the crowd and see her smiling at me, encouraging me to do my best. Her absence began to strangle me. I put a lot of expectation in her, and I saw no fault in that. I just had a hope that never ended for us.
To Be Continued......